A few years ago I accidentally bought a self-help book titled Jane Austen's Guide to Dating. It was $15 and I thought it was satirical. It wasn't. At the time I rolled my eyes, read through the basic rules, the character analyses, did the Which Jane Austen Character Are You? quizz at the end (Elizabeth - snap!) and filed the book away on an overcrowded shelf. And there it sat collecting dust until last weekend when I grabbed it in a packing frenzy. My destination? An emergency single-lady night in.
The night was spent eating lamb chops, drinking beer, watching television and sitting in shock of the general rudeness of men. As we retired for the evening I pulled out The Guide and began what I thought would be an amusing foray into the world of self-help literature. But no, something had changed, The Guide seemed relevant, almost vital. When I had first read it I had thought "well duh, it's all just common sense really", but now it can help me reflect on my conduct with men and think about where I may have gone wrong and what I can do differently. And I have to say, as far as common sense, dignity-preserving courtship tips go, Jane Austen had it goin' on.
The author has developed ten principles from her academic study of Jane Austen novels, which are:
- If you like someone, make it clear that you do.
- Don't put your feelings on public display, unless they're fully reciprocated.
- Don't play games or lead people on.
- Have faith in your own instincts.
- Don't fall for superficial qualities.
- Look for someone who can bring out your best qualities.
- Don't settle - don't marry for money or convenience or out of loneliness.
- Be witty if you can, but not cynical, indiscreet or cruel.
- Be prepared to wait for the right person to come along.
- If your lover needs a reprimand, let him have it.
(I must confess I cringe the most at No.8, lines get blurred after the third wine and my volume increases)
Perhaps the reason why this book has suddenly struck a chord is because it does not buy into that whole 'act like a lady, think like a man' crap that lurks around the dating advice market. I am willing to concede that thanks to social conditioning men and women process things differently, however the more I see, hear and read the more I suspect that deep down, we're really not all that different.
Men and women both ditch partners based on a seemingly abstract set of standards they rigidly cling to. They both get hurt when relationships go bad, and they both take a while to let someone in again. We both freak out and fuss over emails/text messages/facebook statuses/tweets/inane conversation. And let's be honest, we all play the game and make snap judgements based on physical appearance. Oh, and we all quite like sex.
As I discover more and more of our similarities this culture of difference becomes increasingly frustrating. I understand that when we've been rejected putting people into negative gender-based stereotypes takes the edge off the hurt. I've done it, hell, I do it alllll the time. So I guess what appeals to me about The Guide is that while it is clearly targeting women, these principles look like the kind of thing we could all identify with. No one is being alienated and that is kind of cool.
Also, I should fess up and mention that in three years I have dramatically changed as a person. I have gone from being an Elizabeth to a Mary (eeek!) - "bitchy, clever and cynical. You're a tough proposition! You need someone stable, not flashy, to balance you, someone who will be capable of dressing you down when you need it, but who will love your dry wit and confidence". Oh God, it's true!! I can only take solace in the fact that I was two points away from being Lydia - the ho.
Most upsettingly, it occurs to me that as my years increase I may be growing more susceptible to the self-help genre. Fortunately, for now, I have Sarah Haskins to help me stay true to my cynical roots.
